Ich Bin Ein Beijinger: Washed Out (Overheard in a Local Laowai Bar)

byKaiser Kuo



Get another round, dude. I’ll be right back. Gotta milk the xiyi.
I tell ya, you don’t really buy beer – you rent it. Oh, this camera? It’s for the blog, dude. What, you don’t read my blog? No, man, it’s www.dontshithere.com. Dude, I’ve been doing it for five years now – where you been? I’m on a mission to document every “please don’t shit here” sign in every bar bathroom in Beijing. Dude, it’s classic. I get mad hits.
Fuwuyuan! Fuwuyuan! Gei wo lai four Jägermeister shots. This round’s on me, courtesy of Google AdSense. Here, dude, say “Qiezi.” Sweet.
What were we just saying? Oh yeah, no, I totally agree. They don’t understand China. They’ll never understand China, not like we do. Seriously man, these noobs, they don’t know what life was like here before all this. Man, Beijing was so much better when there weren’t all these other laowai all over the place.
Jeez, look at ’em all. They don’t know how easy they have it. They should show some respect to pioneers like me who had to tough it out back in the day. Man, we were living in the real China. Cheers, man. To Beijing, before the “please don’t shit here” signs were in English. Heh. That should go in my blog.
What do you mean, “Marco Polo Syndrome”? Dude, whatever. Now everybody and their mother has lived in China. We were old school, homey. We had our sidecars way before all these other wannabes. I’ve earned the right to feel contempt. Goddamn noobs should just GO HOME!!
Hold on, man. HEY! Yeah YOU! What’re you looking at? Yeah? What, are we talking too loud for you? We’ll talk as loud as we freakin’ want to, gemen’r. ’Sa free country. Oh really? You think that’s “ironic,” do you?
Jeez. Freakin’ losers. It’s cool, it’s cool. I’m cool. You know we could totally take those guys. Stupid Marine embassy guards think they all that. Here, man, down the hatch. Ganbei.
Let me bum another smoke, homes. Man, I gotta stop smoking. I used to say I only smoked when I drank but now since I’m always drinking I guess I officially smoke.
Be right back. Gotta drain the main mai.
Goddammit! I dropped my camera in the damn urinal. I had like 200 pictures on it. Crap, it’s actually my girlfriend’s camera and she had all these pictures of her sister’s new baby. Man, she’s gonna be so pissed. I’m never going to hear the end of it. Bitch. If Rebecca knew how easy it would be for me to get with any of these chicks in here – that one, or her, or that one over there – man, she’d show a little more goddamn appreciation. Remember that girl Vivian? No, the other one, from Suzie Wong’s. I should totally call her. She was amazing.
What? No, dude. I’m plenty sober, and yeah, she’ll totally remember me. I’m going outside to call her, so she won’t think I’m in some bar.
Okay, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. Skanky ho. How could she not remember me? You were right. You’re always right. Man, when am I going to start listening to you? Bro, what would I do without you? Seriously dude, you’re my best freakin’ friend in the world. I mean it. I love you, man. No, it’s cool, it’s cool. I promise not to kiss you again.
Hey, speaking of man love – check it out, those jarhead dudes are still here. Yeah? Was I totally out of line with those guys earlier? Screw it, I’m gonna buy ’em a drink.
Hey dudes – sorry, man. These are on me. You guys are Marines? That’s freakin’ awesome. Semper Fi, man. I totally was going to be a Marine but I have this knee injury from high school football, which totally sucks. My friend was First Recon in Desert Storm, dude, and he – oh, coolio, yeah, we were heading out too. Semper Fi. Hey, really quick, those shotguns you guys have at the embassy – okay, man, next time. Later.
Douchebags. Back in a second. I must make the “small convenience.” Get the check, and here’s a hundred.
Hey, how ’bout one for the road? What?! 450 kuai? That’s highway robbery! Dude, why do we go to these laowai bars anyway? We could just drink Yanjing in a jiaozi place like back in the day. You hungry? I’m starved. Let’s go to Gui Jie and get some – ow! Damn! No man, I’m fine, I’m fine, just gimme a hand up.
Dude, forget eating, I think I’m gonna yak. Can you just put me in a taxi?

A collection of Kaiser Kuo’s best columns, published by Immersion Guides, is now available in stores around town and by delivery. For more info, contact distribution@immersionguides.com or 5820 7700.